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Charlie Sheen, CBS, Warner Brothers and the big scam about two and a half men…

by The Review CrewMarch 9, 2011

It’s just my opinion folks, and you can take this with a grain of salt… but I’m going to call this right now — This is what I think ACTUALLY HAPPENED:

A) Charlie went on another bender, was in one too many newspapers and CBS/Warner Bros approached him and said look, we’re going to fire you if you don’t do something about this.

B) Charlie responds, I’m not ready to quit yet give me another few months and I will be.

C) CBS/WB (Network from here on out) says No way you are fired.

D) Charlie says (using his Warlock Brain) what if I have a very public blow out.  The ratings are dipping a little, how long are we really going to be able to keep this up?  Let’s make this work for us.  I’ll do a public blow out, smoke as much meth and crack as I want, claim I’m in my own rehab, we’ll fake a piss test on national television to blow people’s minds…  and we’ll let that generate a TON of press for the show.  At the climax, when everyone is ready to say “Damn I’m tired of this sheen shit on TV” you guys come in and make a statement “CHARLIE YOU ARE FIRED”.

That will make it sit in the news for another month while people wonder who is going to replace me… at that point I’ll start coming around slowly, talk about going out of my mind, bring the sympathy vote slowly in my way.  I’ll let the press see me struggle through rehab, I’ll do the whole dog and pony show, hell you can even take my kids, so people feel really bad… then I’ll slowly rehab over the summer, you write in Rob Lowe or that idiot from Full House as my long lost friend from college or something and I’ll be back just in time for the middle of the season.

Everyone will be so on my side by then because I’ll milk it for all it’s worth and really do the poor me, I was such an idiot routine that EVERYONE on the planet will tune in when they hear that I’m coming back to the show with my new… salary (2.5m per episode).  By then we will get my kids back, and I won’t go back to doing drugs again until the ratings dip double digits.  We got a deal?  America is filled with trolls and sheep anyway, they love a good tiger dance.

E) Network says well let’s give it a shot, if you can draw enough attention you have a deal.

Then… in the background… someone yelled….  ACTION!!! ROLL TAPE.  Charlie went to town…

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The Review Crew
The Review Crew is a group of beat editors, writers, and consultants that have been working together for years. They know just about everything about everything collectively and have published their collective work under the Review Crew brand moniker for almost 20 years.