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This week, Papa Kenn reviews THE APPARITION!
Director: Todd Lincoln
Writers: Todd Lincoln
Starring: Ashley Greene, Sebastian Stan, Tom Felton
The Apparition is horrible. I’m talking “Star Wars Episode 3 ‘No, I love you more’ dialogue scene” horrible. So horrible, I’m giving spoilers to tell you why you should never bother with this movie. If you really want to see it anyway, stop the video now.
The acting is absolutely horrid. Almost as bad as the voice acting in the first Resident Evil game, and that is no exaggeration. The only actor that gave a halfway believable performance was Ashley Greene, better known for her role as Alice Cullen in the Twilight movies. I’m going to repeat that. THE ONLY NOT COMPLETELY CRAP PERFORMANCE WAS FROM A TWILIGHT ACTOR. Then you have Tom Felton, aka Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter films, and Sebastian Stan, aka BUCKY FREAKING BARNES from Captain America!
You know what, I’m actually going to focus on Sebastian for a minute. Now I’m not going to say that his performance as Bucky was anything spectacular, but it was a believable performance and we actually cared about the character throughout the movie. In The Apparition he plays Ben, an unlikeable douchebag that looks like Leon Kennedy crossed with John Connor from Terminator 2.
Anyway, beyond the horribly wooden performance, if this were a superhero movie then his name would be Captain Obvious. I lost count how many times something would be going on in the film, something that only the thickest of the thick (stupid) wouldn’t get, and he would blatantly point it out! There’s a scene where Twilight and Bucky go to Draco’s house, and for some strange reason his audio journal is playing over the house’s intercom system. We’ve heard the audio since they got there. It has been playing nonstop. After two whole minutes of hearing Draco talk to himself, Bucky looks at Twilight and says, “These are his journals.” Really? Are you sure?
If you’re a horror fan, you know that most horror movies (especially the bad ones) have what I like to call the “camp factor” to them. No matter how bad they are, there’s always that campiness to show us that everyone involved in the movie knew it was bad and decided to have fun with it. There is nothing fun about this movie. Nothing! Instead, it takes itself way too seriously and ruins everything for everyone.
Finally, and this should go without saying, but the movie is simply not scary. You see so many cliche scares and “moments of horror” from films like The Ring and Poltergeist. In fact, the only good part about this movie…the only reasonably scary moment in the entire film was at the very end. The very last scene before the credits roll is creepy, unnerving…and it’s the poster for the movie. Plus, they show that very scene in the trailer! They took the only part of the movie actually worth seeing and made it the focus of the marketing.
There’s so much more that I could complain about: the pace, the plotline, a camera supposedly controlled by a ghost that hopped around like it was on the back of a frog (seriously).
Avoid this movie at all costs, even if you’re a horror fan that loves to watch the bad ones just because you can. It’s a waste of money, a waste of time, and not even a tub of popcorn drowning in butter can distract you from how painful the experience is.
I give The Apparition: 1/10.
I can’t even say they scraped the bottom of the barrel with this one, because that would be offensive to the barrel.
I’m Papa Kenn, and I’ll see you next review.
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